ESPN Bottomline 2.0

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

MVP? Like Hell You Say. . .

Paging Mr. Herman, paging Mr. Herman.

Yes, Pee Wee, what a great adventure it has been. You found your bike, you danced on a bar, you saw the big dinosaur. . .

Damn Pee Wee, when did you get so short?

Welcome to the Laser Show, my friends. The role of Pee Wee Herman will be played by none other than. . . 

Dustin Pedroia?

Have to say, I was expecting . . . more. Why can't the Sox get a normal second baseman? Where is Joe Morgan when you need him? (Don't tell ESPN I asked about him. There are a few simple mantra's in life and this one qualifies here: Don't pick a fight with Disney if you want to keep your cojones.)

Can't we get a guy with a smooth stroke and a stride like a gazelle as opposed to this wide open, choppy little guy? Rod Carew, eat your heart out, I present to you the Red Sox newest second baseman: Robinson Cano. All that wasted potential baking in the hot bronx sun that would, should be ours.

Now, I know what you are thinking. Why take the Kwame Brown of baseball when you can get your hands on some real prime meat? Chase Utley, take a bow. There is another ring is in your immediate future, though none of us really believe that you got that first one. Plausible deniability, right? I mean Chase, buddy, whaddya say?

What Mr. Utley? That hamstring is flaring up? Come on up to Boston. We have some of the finest medical care in the world here. We won't even take it out of your HMO. . .

That goes for you too, Mr. Kinsler of Arlington, Texas.

Rickie Weeks, you've got great potential. I am sure Mr. Magadan would be very happy to help you with the flaws in your swing. Hey, fielding problems? No problem. We've got a great short stop who can help you with all your fielding woes. Ever met Julio Lugo?

I mean, really. We have this runt here in Boston who just talks too much. Swings too hard and is constantly bothering our beloved Youk over his facial hair decisions. And he beats Tito in cribbage. It is too much, just too damn much for us to handle. This was the guy who got himself listed at five-foot, nine-inches by wearing stilts to gym class. The doctor overlooked it because he felt sorry for the poor kid. 

Yet, something strange is happening here. Pee Wee has actually become the star of the show and for some reason we do not mind. He conquered the bullies, made some friends, found his bike and got the girl.

Wait! What in the hell was that?

Yeah, I saw it too.

The runt, that pee wee is standing on second base. 

The ball is missing a couple stitches.

Go grab your bike Pee Wee. It is almost Spring in Boston and it is going to be a great adventure.

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